I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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