My boss' voice literally gives me gas
People in love make me want to vomit
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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