Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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