i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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