Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
