JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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