Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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