last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
