at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
