Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
