i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
