I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
