We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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