pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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