that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
