I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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