life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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