Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
