You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
