Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
