Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Randomize
