Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
two words: eviction party
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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