someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
