Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
