Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
