He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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