My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
