The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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