We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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