??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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