I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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