When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
