If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
