Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
