Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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