i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
