oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
