I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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