the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
