I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
