I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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