I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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