there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
