Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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