do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
