He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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