Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm too high and old for this...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
