Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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