its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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