he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
