i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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