I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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